22 Weeks

M's Shirt

I am 22 weeks as of tomorrow. I haven't written much cause there isn't much going on. This weekend we celebrated M's 6th birthday and Friday went to my parents for their birthday. The plan was to bring cupcakes with frosting on the inside that indicated the sex of the baby since we found out last Wednesday but since my family are GIANT PITAs they found out Wednesday (I also have little self control). M picked out baby's second shirt.

I say second shirt cause when I found out I was pregnant with my ectopic I bought the cutest shirt but it went unused. My sister took it from me shortly after my surgery and the bad news cause she said it created bad juju. She gave it back to me this weekend.

I spent some time going through boxes this weekend and I'm kinda glad we lugged around all the baby stuff from M cause it leaves very little to buy.

For those of you who are not picking up the clues of being able to reuse M's stuff and the VERY pink shirt we are having a girl. M is super excited she wanted a sister.

The baby wouldn't sit still long enough to get a good profile picture but to the left is a front view of the baby's face. You can see eyes, nose and mouth.

My OB took a short time lapse to see something on her face but instead caught her sticking her tongue out.

I know its hard to picture but in the picture to the right the top picture you can see her eyes (on left of the circle) then the nose (middle circle) and mouth (open gap right in the middle of the picture under "2 OB"). Then in the bottom picture you see the same face but the mouth is no longer an open gap it is filled with white. That white is her tongue. Since it isn't tongue shaped it is hard to imagine but on the time lapse you could see it go in and out.

Baby is as far as we can tell healthy. There are no physical abnormalities. The big ones associated with IVF and ICSI is heart defects and she has all the heart parts she is supposed to.

I promise to try to think about updating more often ;)

Everything is OK

As stated before I had to have my gallbladder looked at. Everything looks fine (no stones) and the radiologist thinks it is "just heart burn." I know in pregnancy heart burn is a given but being diagnosed with GERD (Gastroesophageal reflux disease ) I know what heart burn feels like. I have heart burn every day of my life. I have also been asked "are you sure it is just not a pregnancy related stretching thing?" That I know it is not because it is only in one spot and it is way higher than my uterus even sits AND I have it while not pregnant too. Its just a burning right under the skin that goes to my back. Gets worse when I eat (especially fatty foods **oops had McDonalds last night**). I did a little search on Dr. Google and with the help of a coworker found that lemon water and apple cider are both supposed to help with gallbladder issues. I have been drinking those and while it may just be a power of the mind thing it seems to hurt less than it did.  Yesterday I didn't feel it at all.

In the rest of my life I have had an everlasting energy the past two weekends. This weekend I did 5 loads of laundry, cleaned the dog room (again), mopped the bathroom and kitchen (again), scrubbed the bathroom sink, toilet and tub, cleaned the livingroom and got M to her normal weekend activities. This was all on top of visiting my parents/sister on Saturday.

Unfortunately yesterday was day 2 of 15+ hour days and today won't be any better. I work my normal job 6-12 (with conferences at 10), go to work at daycare with the schoolagers as they are out of school for MEA until 6:30 then I have to race M across town so she can be at football game for dance. They need to be there at 6:30 and they won't dance until 8ish. To make a kindergartener do this just seems cruel to the parents. She is normally in bed at 8:30. Not a great way to insure they get a good preformance out of them but she is super excited so thats all that matters.

I would also like to point out I SCORED big on an infant swing! A folding up travel swing for $20!!! That will make trips to the parents easier!

Why can't it be easy

I would love an easy pregnancy. I'd love to get pregnant easily, stay pregnant easily and have a normal/healthy pregnancy. NOPE that's not who I am I guess. I brought up to my OB at my visit today that I've been having pains right under my right breast that starts at the edge of my ribs and wraps around to my back. I've noticed it since I was pregnant with M. It would hurt when I ate something I shouldn't but would go away. Since I got pregnant with this baby it has been a constant ache. Not really painful just annoying. It gets stronger when I eat and if I eat greasy foods but never bend over pain and hasn't put me into tears yet. This is the dialogue from my visit:
Dr: How you feeling today? Any new and exciting symptoms happening?
Me: Well I've got this pain, right about here *points* that goes into my back but its not sharp more like someone is rubbing sand paper inside against my ribs
Dr: Does it get worse when you eat
Me: Yes
Dr: Does it get worse when you eat greasy/fatty foods
Me: *between my teeth* Yes
Dr: OK you get to have an ultrasound today....
Me: Really yay!!!
Dr: On your gallbladder you may be having it removed.

Then he asked me to hop on the table, used to doppler to find the baby and the heartbeat is 154 and then pressed where the pain was. I let out a not so pleasant sounding noise and he called in the nurse to set up my ultrasound.

Since I had a bagel for breakfast they scheduled me for an ultrasound at 2 which will be sent to a surgeon to see if I get to have it removed. I was told as long as I was under 20 weeks they would still be able to do it. OB said until then avoid: fatty, greasy, cheesy, white and yellow foods. Unfortunately that takes away almost all of my food.

In all this fun excitement I forgot to go down to lab to get some blood work done so now I get to do that too. I am going to try to get the tech to just take a quick peek at the baby see how it looks while we are there! Fill ya in later how it went.

HAPPY TUESDAY.

17 weeks

Ok I'm lying I am actually 17 weeks on Wednesday but I figure I'm close enough considering baby has always measured 2-3 days ahead. I was going to come on and give some Canadian a little hell cause I still didn't get a comment even though I created a personal post but upon logging in blogger tells me someone left a message. Ooops my phone apparently doesn't alert me of that anymore. STUPID TECHNOLOGY.

I've mentioned before that I was a part of an online board for people with infertility correct? Yes? Great! Though I still frequent there I have been hanging out on a board for people who are due the same month as I am. Some due at the beginning of the month seem so far ahead of me while others due at the end of the month seem so far behind. Mostly it is filled with very heated debates over breastfeeding/formula, circumcision/intact, co-sleeping/not (don't know what the opposite of co-sleeping is called), vaccinations/non vax,  natural birth/medicated birth, OB/midwife/doula and I'm sure there are others but this is enough. Those topics get heated and never seem to end. They go in waves where someone will post about vaccinations and there will be 6-7 spin off threads about vaccinations. Then the next few days will be all vaccination questions. After that fizzles out they will pick up the next controversial topic. Other than those it is a lot about poop (happy it isn't you anymore Margie?), share food porn (please DON'T google it!!!) and pictures of shirtless men. There are the occasional "what is going on with me"  post explaining symptoms that are odd or new and the occasional "should I go to the ER" where it is clearly apparent they should and which diapers/bottles are better. It passes the time, makes me not take a sledge hammer to my house and at times **rarely** I get to give sound advise about child support/paternity/custody/step parent adoption and other things I have been through so it makes me feel good. **UPDATE** Just as I was typing this someone asked if anyone agreed that paternity tests should be given immediately after birth. I responded with "Nate and I joked about a paternity/maternity test cause who knows if this baby is even mine" and the response I got back was CRAZY. "you know it is yours cause it is in you" "how do you not know if it is yours? you are pregnant right" "THE BABY IS IN YOU ITS YOURS." If they read my signature on my post it says "IVF- 2 rounds of transfers" they would see that it is possible it's not. Baby was created in a lab and labs can screw up. **Announcement** We will NOT be getting a test done it was just joked about.

I also want to give a shout out to friends of ours J and B who had their babies on Sept 26. YES I said BABIES!!! They started IVF at the same time I found out we were in the trial and their twins were born at 32 weeks. From what I hear it was an eventful birth with a helicopter included but babies are already out of the NICU and should be able to come home by the end of the month! Congrats to J and B and babies B and J... Ohhh I see what you did there!! Just figured that out... I'm not bright lately

I have an OB appointment tomorrow. I promise I WILL update after that! maybe

AND NOW SOME PICTURES!!!

16 weeks the sign says 24 weeks to
go and baby is the size of an avocado.

This is my Halloween shirt
Nate thinks I'm a loser
M thinks it's actually the baby



So you don't have to Google it. This is food porn.
Food that makes you go "ooohhhhhh"



HI NATASHA!!!

Natasha is a friend of my sisters. I have never met her. For all I know she could be an imaginary friend from childhood that showed up again later in life to solve a life crisis and brought Canada mittens instead of a sweater stripey. *Drop Dead Fred Anyone* I know Natasha (real or imaginary) reads this blog because Mr. Google tells me so. She has never left a comment even though she is more than welcome to. I just get reviews from her through Margie. Come on Natasha show yourself!

So Hi Natasha! This one is for you!

Saturday I decided to cut off all my hair. It doesn't matter a whole lot that I cut it as my hair is normally styled in the ponytail fashion. 8 inches was cut off and when I went to go show husband he didn't even notice. Again cause it is always in a ponytail. Below are the before and after of the hair transformation. 

Before

After

Another before/after is that of my belly. I just so happen to be wearing the same outfit today as I did the day I officially found out I was pregnant. I see a bit of a difference. I feel quite a bit bigger than I was when pregnant with M. Granted I did start out a bit more fluffy this time (thank you fertility meds!)

19weeks with "M"

When I found out at 3w5d

Now at 14w5d

Sorry for the photos being all askew I'm working on an older than dirt computer and it won't let me format them.

P.S. id love some Canada mittens

Tuesday's appt

Went on Tuesday for our appointment. Nate thought we were there for an ultrasound but joke was on him it was just a standard visit. We heard and recorded the heart beat (I cant figure out how to put it on here) and it was at 174. I thought M would be more excited about the heartbeat but she just asked why the baby want talking. I have another appt in 3 weeks and on November 6th , should be able to find it the gender. 

cribs, changers and baby stuff...

Oh My!!!

I had been looking forward to this last weekend for weeks! Nate had the weekend off and he was going to clean out the garage and pull down all the baby stuff we had been storing for the past 5 years. My plan was to take inventory and start cleaning everything (I finally have some energy back Thank Glob for the second trimester). Once everything was down I realized a few things:

1. We don't have as much stuff as I thought... what was taking up all that room?
2. Almost every "large item" we have stored has expired. Who knew car seats could expire? I didn't until very recently
3. Even though we have 3 totes of clothes (some still with tags) we will still have to buy a crap ton of new clothes because either:
         a. baby will be a boy and would look funny in pink flowers
                  or
         b. If it is a girl M was born in Nov. this one will be born in March so the seasons are flip flopped. 
                (thank you Minnesota)
 granted I will be able to reuse onsies, sleep sacks and some other items for the first 2-3 months but the rest will have to be replaced.

We found a decent amount of baby toys and after pulling them into the basement M decided she wanted to tell me how she used to play with EACH and EVERY one of them. "Mom this is a rattle that I used to shake when I was a baby," "Mom baby me would chew on this doll," "When I was a baby I couldn't talk so I played this music instead." Apparently she spoke to me through the music table. Oops I guess I never caught she was trying to communicate.

After finally tracking down the crib that I wanted (which happened to be on super clearance) with the help of my sister MJ Nate and I found all the crib parts in our garage hunt. The only thing we are missing is the screws to hold it together. Or are they bolts? Regardless I'm sure they are important to the crib building process and will either get found or replaced if we decide to return the other crib and use this one. I have to do some checking to see if that too has "expired."

In this journey I also took a walk down memory lane. Not only pulling out M's baby clothes and reminiscing over how small and non-opinionated she used to be but also found a few boxes with college/high school stuff in them. There was possibly some items from middle school as well cause I don't remember carrying around a "Teen Bop" 2 page spread of Devin Sawa in college. Who knows I might be wrong.

I ended my weekend by filling holes in my closet walls. My mom and I ripped out some shelving in my closet a few weekends back in an attempt to turn it into a real closet where clothes can live. This is where I found out I have old dry plaster walls. It was breaking off in chunks. I hope by next weekend it will be filled, painted and ready for shelves.

As far as the pregnancy goes I have no clue. I have a doctors visit tomorrow which is good cause after being in the clinic every week for 4 months it feels very strange not to have gone for 4 weeks. My nausea is gone and has been replaced by CRAZY HEARTBURN. I notice I get it most from bananas, oatmeal and water.  I however do not get heartburn from the massive amounts of garlic cheesy bread I've been consuming. Nate working for a pizza place on the side has both been a blessing and a curse. All I have to say is "I kinda want some cheesy garlic bread" and it shows up later that evening.

Keep popping in and I'll do the same. Have a great Monday!

3 weeks already?

I have started 3-4 entries since the last one but they all are pretty lame. I don't have a ton of baby excitment going on right now. I am very excited to say that my friend N from Pennsylvania is also pregnant and is doing well. N and I met during my first transfer. She and I originally met online in a support group but got to meet in person when our paths crossed at the clinic in NYC. Her transfer was right before mine. Unfortunately her transfer that time also failed but we both got to move on to another transfer (her 3rd my 4th) and are both currently pregnant due within a few weeks of eachother. N's husband is a HUGE Orioles fan and N being born and raised in NY I assume is a Yankees fan **puke** they don't know it yet but they have a MN Twins onsie on the way to them as we speak.

I also found out just today that a good friend of mine who struggled to get pregnant with her first child is also pregnant due 8 days after I am. We could have babies at the same time if I didn't go WAY EARLY and she didnt go WAY LATE with her first. I am super excited for her.

Other than that it has been pretty quiet. M started school last week and already has her first "snow day" it's apparently too hot to keep the kids in school. Kind of mind blowing since last week was in the 90s and right now it is 75. Because of this M's first day of dance has also been cancelled.

I officially start working at a daycare today as well. I figured since I work at my current job 45-48 hours a week why not work 40 and get paid for working the extra 5-10 hours? Besides M has been asking me for almost 2 years to work at her school.

Thats all I've got for now but if you are feeling up to it check out my sister's blog.

www.technicallyarunner.wordpress.com

M finds out tonight

Had another ultrasound today and not only did we see the heart beat but we saw it as well. Suqishy is measuring 2 days ahead at 10w1d but my due date will stay the same for now. Squish is currently 3cm and is the size of a kumquat with a heart beat of 176!

We will be telling M and the Facebook world tonight.

Finally Free

It has been quite some time since I updated. I have no other reason than napping! I'm so tired all day, every day. I know it comes with the territory.

After my 3rd (technically 4th) ultrasound my fertility clinic decided to graduate me. What this means is we are no longer in the care of New Hope in New York. It's all on my local OB now. Granted he has been doing most of the work as far as ultrasounds, bloodwork and monitoring goes but now he actually gets to make decisions about my care.

I stopped estrogen pills last night. I have about a week left on the progesterone and then I'm done with shots! I couldn't be happier about that one as there is a perminant line of injection points and bruises along the top of my butt.

After the last time I posted Nate and I went to a country music festival. Not being a country fan myself I normally go to have 4 days of grill food, beer and yard games with a little music on the side. This year being pregnant meant no beer :( no appitite for grill food :( and no energy for yard games. However, I made it through the trip without throwing up. I call that a win!

So far my symptoms at 9w5d:
Sore chest- OUCH
Bloated!!! I am either wearing my pants unbuttoned or maternity pants
Nausea- This has subsided quite a bit. I went from all day sickness to just when I eat or dont eat sickness. (with M I was sick from 8w until 16w so I think it will return.)
Exhaustion- Anyone wanna come clean my house?
Pregnancy migraines- I did have this one when pregnant with M but I am going on day 5 of a headache and day 3 of a migraine. I will be asking OB for something to help tomorrow.

Overall I feel great! I am also making it a point to enjoy all my symptoms because it means in the battle of millers-vs-ivf  Millers won!

Here is the baby at 7w6d if you look close you can see the arm buds forming. At this appointment we asked when it would be ok to tell M and my OB advised us to wait until my appointment on 8/20. He said that once the heartbeat is heard on the doppler it's as close as you are going to get to "in the clear." So if all goes well tomorrow we will be telling M after work!!!

6w4d

I went in for my ultrasound and at first it was looking like bad news. But then we saw the most perfect bean. The yolk sac is measuring great, the baby measures 6w4d and has a heart beat of 133-135. I could not be happier! The round part is the yolk sac even though it looks like a head. The aarow is pointing towards the baby's heart.


The rest of the night I get to go to my work party, finish packing, drop off kiddo at gmas and gpas and head out on our vacation. M is going to waterpark it up with the gparents while Nate and I enjoy listen to some country music. I don't get to drink any beer but at least I have a good reason!

Infertility's Common Thread

If you are struggling with infertility then you know the feeling of going to a ball game, walking the mall or eating in a restaurant and everyone around you have that perfect swollen pregnancy belly or a new born. I for sure notice it. Someone once told me it is like buying a new car. Once you buy your car you start noticing everyone in town has the same one. One doesn't notice all the pregnancies or babies until one wants to be pregnant or have a baby and then they are EVERYWHERE.

I often find myself bitter when surrounded by pregnancy and babies (which is why I hide "track my babies progress", bump pictures and new born pictures on Facebook. Sorry but I unhide once the baby is a few months old). Then I wonder "what did she go through to get that baby?" The girls on my board have often talked about having a secret handshake or some sort of symbol to identify that someone has struggled. There was even talk of a decoder ring. Who wouldn't want that?!?

Someone posted this...

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread/

Its another blogger who came up with the idea of a pomegranate colored (embroidery floss #814) string or bracelet worn on the right wrist to help identify those who struggled. It can also help strike up a conversation about infertility and get information out there.

I plan on picking up my string today.

Speaking of today I have 2.5 hours until my next ultrasound. I feel I'm very prepared for the worst. I will update later on the outcome. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts!

Too happy too soon?

Sorry I haven't updated on yesterdays ultrasound earlier but it wasn't great news and so I haven't been feeling the greatest. During my ultrasound yesterday the gestational sac measured 6 weeks 4 days and I should have been 6 weeks. Unfortunately the gestational sac was empty. There was no yolk sac, no fetal pole and no heart beat. The doctor is considering it a "suspected blighted ovum." My doctor told me it may just be too early but to not get my hopes up. I am scheduled for another scan on Tuesday, July 30. After sending the ultrasound report to my clinic in New York they emailed back pretty much saying "sure you didn't see anything, its way too early. You shouldn't have had an ultrasound until 7/31 anyway." Umm then why did they order me one for a week early? They seem optimistic and I'm hoping they don't live in a world where unicorns poop glitter cause this girl likes harsh reality even if it sucks. I did ask the clinic in NY why they ordered the scan to be done yesterday (the one at 5 weeks was ordered by my OB to check for another ectopic) and have yet to get a response. Sure will be interesting to hear their response.

I have researched and found that blighted ovum’s are caused by chromosomal abnormalities but I still can't help feeling like I did something wrong. Celebrated too early? Already bought a car seat cover? Found my maternity cloths?

Thankfully we didn't tell M yet. I have no clue how I would explain this to her.

I have been spending quite a bit of time on Dr. Google and from what I read there it can happen that 7 weeks is the magic number but I would assume that we would at least see something in there by now. I'm feeling a little better today but again not trying to get my hopes up. I would rather mourn the loss now and have good news then get my hopes up and have them shot right back down on Tuesday.

I hope with all my heart NYC (New York Clinic :)) is right and it was just to early but my mama instinct tells me it's over. If this is the case and it is a lost pregnancy I will be taking a month or two off of my IVF journey to get my emotions and stress in check before we start again.

Thanks to all who read and all who give their support. I will be sure to update on Tuesday.

I could never be a princess...

No not because prince William is married, no not cause they just had a baby because I would not be able to produce an heir. I read today that Princess/Dutchess Kate whatever title she holds had to have fertility testing done before they could announce their engagement cause they had to be sure she could produce "an heir and one to spare."

Well jokes on them. Even with all the testing the world they still may have issues (obviously in light of yesterday's royal birth they didn't). Interesting They talk openly about Kate's reproductive health and lady bits but was William told to do a seamen analysis? Would they talk his boy parts openly. HEAVENS NO! Why does the fertility issue (if there was one) have to just be with Kate?

Which brings me to why is it always with the women? Granted Nate and my issue IS with me but in my travels I have met several couples where it is male infertility based.

Back to the royal venting... Would they be forced to break up if something was wrong? Would he have to choose between her and the throne. I understand that monarchs marry to keep the bloodline going but it seems a bit extreme. Oh and some idiot reporter said "she made the right move having a boy" not that its her choice.

Ok I'm done. I will jump down from my high horse and wait for the royal kids name and photos.

Maybe I'm just bitter cause I'll never get a crown

PIO Fail

Per instructions from the very reliable Dr. Google Nate has been aspirating my injection when he gives me shots to check for blood. He had yet to hit a vein until last night. He came home after work and woke me up for my shot and then he muttered the worst words to hear while you are bent over a chair with a needle in your bum.

Nate: "Oh Shit!"
Me: "what did you do"
Nate: "sorry babe I got blood. What do I do now?"
Me: "ummm take it out?"

Being in the tired state I was I couldn't remember if I had to dispose of the injection completely or just switch the needle. I remember the need to switch the needle because it becomes dull after puncture and there was no way I am letting him stab me with a dull needle. He took the needle out I switched the needle and then I found out why you might want to discard the whole thing. Blood being injected into a muscle causes one HECK of a bruise and not one I can take a picture of and be proud of. It's not close enough to the surface.

Looks like we will be hanging out on the right cheek for a few days to let that sucker heal up.

Tomorrow is my next ultrasound and I hope to see something more in the ultrasound. Can't wait for squishy to look less like a bean and more like a human.

We have ourselves a baby!

Had an ultrasound yesterday and my OB confirmed that the pregnancy is indeed in my uterus! All there was was a sac cause im only 5 weeks but ill go back next week and hopfully see a heart beat. We are super excited. We havent told M yet as we do not want to get her hopes up invase something happens.

So far a sticky baby

Had more blood work done on Wednesday and Friday and my beta came back at 184 and 426. I think I said it before but in case I didn't you want the beta to double every 48 hours. Mine is doubling at a rate of 2.3-2.6 times ever 48 hours.

Wednesday is the big day of our first ultrasound. We most likely wont see a heart beat as its too early but we will get to see where the baby is (still a risk of another ectopic) and how many babies there are.

M still doesn't know about the pregnancy. We are waiting for sure to see if its in the right spot but may wait longer. The joys of a 5 year old is that they have no concept of time so if I say there is a baby she will expect it to be here tomorrow and will ask every day if its baby day yet. I also don't know if I have enough construction paper to make that long of a chain (think christmas count down). And for some reason I want to call the baby squish. Called M Gus through the pregnancy.

Nate, my sister and I ran walked our first 5k today. We did the color run. For those who dont know what the color run is it is The happiest 5k on the planet. at 4 checkpoints they have volunteers spray or throw colored cornstarch at you. I must say it was pretty darn fun. I didn't even realize how much my legs hurt! I am also still blowing blue out of my nose. There are pictures below. See y'all Wednesday.

The before

Ready to go

The after

The results are in...

My beta was today and it is 184.1!!!

It was actually my second beta. My first beta was on Monday and it was 68.5. The Beta hCG should double every 48 hours. Mine is more than doubling. I would do the math to figure out how many hours it doubles in but I'm to lazy to do it right now. Don't you worry I will get it done!

I can official say we are pregnant. I will have an early ultrasound probably next week to make sure it isn't another ectopic pregnancy and will have more blood work next Wednesday (unless my OB wants it earlier I'm waiting on a call)

If you are on my facebook please dont say anything on facebook yet. We will do an official announcement when we know we are in the clear. Feel free to leave comments here though. Thanks

Beta tomorrow-7/10/213

Tomorrow I will have a quantitative beta hcg test. This give a number to the amount of hcg (pregnancy hormone) that is in my system. Anything over 5 is considered pregnant. If it's positive I'll be 4 weeks which would put my due date at March 19 if it is a singleton and February 24 if twins.

Because I promised it- Pictures

I know I'm about a week late posting this and I'd like to say I have a good reason but lets face it... I don't.

Here are some pictures from my last trip.



The night I arrived, this was taken off the subway platform.



While waiting for my procedure found my way into a whole foods market. Those who know me know I would never buy one of these. Not cause of a moral issue but because I don't want to see my foods face before I eat it.



Sometimes I just don't understand art. I looked at this and just said "why?"



This one too



Always rains while I'm there.



This is proof that every where I went emergency personnel followed me.





Just pretty



Hello World



Hello babies!

PUPO Part 2- electric boogaloo

As per usual I have had an interesting trip. After boarding my plane yesterday they asked us to get off cause gave us a 2 hour delay and don't want to waste the gas cooling and powering the plane. I get to my hotel room at about 9:30 and eat dinner, shower and go to bed.

At 12:15 my hotel phone rings it was a guy saying he was Julian the gm of the hotel. He said that the person who checked me in didnt take my card for incidentals and he needed to have me give it to him over the phone. I said can I go down stairs and give it there. He said "you can but then we will have to swipe it per hotel policy and put a 72 hour hold on it for the room rate." I asked what is the difference between me coming down meeting you and reading the numbers vs doing it over the phone?" And he says "per hotel policy I have to do it this way to avoid a charge but I will print out a receipt proving nothing was charged to your card." I said "yes but if you are now who you say you are then your word of a receipt isn't going to do anything" he says then you can just cancel the card." I said "no I will go down stairs right now" he says "ill see you in a few minutes"I get dressed and go down and ask to talk to the gm. Out comes a woman. I ask if my profile needs to be updated and she said "no when we charge your card for the room we also put it on file for the incidentals" I asked if there is a male working that might have called and she said besides herself the only other person who could have called was another woman. I explained the whole situation and told them to watch out and she said she doesn't even know how he got patched in to my phone. I'm assuming he worked for the hotel since he knew my room # and knew that I had just checked in.

THEN this morning as I'm leaving the hotel to go eat breakfast and kill time before my transfer 3 police officers were walking in. Then when I left the mall to go to the clinic 6 firemen were walking in with 4 trucks outside.

I get to my transfer dr says everything looks good and they transferred 2 grade B expanded blasts (meaning you can tell what cells will be baby and what till be placenta). I get sent to recovery and put on headphone and turn on music. After about 15 minutes the nurse comes in and gives me my pictures of the embryos and gives me instructions for meds. She then says "we are going to keep you here about 20 more minutes then you are free to go." I ended up falling asleep thinking they would tell me when it was time. Nope! They assumed I'd just get up when I was ready.

I grabbed lunch and settled into the hotel and watched a movie.

After a two hour nap I went for a walk to Time Square and got dinner. Now I'm back eating food, watching movies and enjoying not being in an airport.

Unfortunately it is supposed to storm most of tomorrow. Hope I make it home!

Next Transfer Scheduled- more info then you ever wanted to know about my body!

I'm getting ready for my next transfer and thought I'd show my numbers this cycle compared to last cycle. They followed two different protocols which are described below.

LM = Local Monitoring- blood work and ultrasound (done in Minnesota not in New York)
BW = Blood Work
E2 = Estradiol
P = Progesterone
FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone
CD = Cycle Day
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer

FET #2- This is considered a medicated cycle since I started estrogen before I ovulated. This way they can monitor my hormone levels and transfer when they are ideal for maintaining a pregnancy. They will be transferring 2 embryos.

6/6 LM CD 3 - E2 33, P .8, FSH 4.9, LH 4.9
6/14 LM CD11 - E2 46, P .8, FSH 6.7, LH 9.1 - Start Estrace (estrogen)
6/20 LM CD17 - E2 266, P 1.0, FSH 7.7, LH 32.7 - Surging ready to ovulate
6/22 LM CD19 - E2 245, P .8, FSH 4.4, LH 10.9 - No ovulation
6/29 BW only -  E2 ?? P ??
7/1- Transfer

FET #1 - Failed
This was a natural cycle where they monitored me until I ovulated naturally then waited 5 days since the embryo is 5 days old and transferred then. This cycle they transferred 1 embryo.

5/1 LM - Cysts, Fluid and Huge Ovaries
5/9 LM - E2 49, P .8, FSH 5.6, LH 6
5/15 LM - E2 141, P .7, FSH 3.6, LH 6.3
5/19 LM - E2 59, P 2.6, FSH 4, LH 6 - Ovulation confirmed start Progesterone 1ml and Estrace 2mg
5/21 BW only- E2 109 P 27.2
5/24 Transfer- Failed
We are going to be transferring two embryos after having a discussion with my local OB/Gyn and Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in NY. The RE was concerned last time with the chance of a heterotropic pregnancy where there is one pregnancy in my tube (ectopic) and one in my uterus. The way that they treat them in NY is with Methotrexate which would terminate both pregnancies. After talking to my OB we agreed that since my tubes are worthless anyway he if that were to happen we would skip the less invasive ways to solve it and go right to surgery. He would then remove my other tube and try to save the other pregnancy. However he said that in his 30+ years of practicing he has only seen it 1 time so he said the chances are small. Nate and I discussed it and decided if it would give us a better shot at a successful transfer we will do 2. I confirmed with the fertility clinic and they have the two picked out waiting.

This will be a very busy weekend coming up. M is in a wedding on Saturday so we have the rehearsal on Friday, hair/photos/ceremony/reception on Saturday and then Sunday my flight to NY leaves at noon. I will be staying in NY until Tuesday. Here's hoping there isn't weather like there was last time and I don't get stranded.

Later today I will try to post a fun post since this was a lot of words.

View from an Infertile

I have been on a bit of a hiatus after my disappointing news after my last transfer. I spent quite a bit of the last year bitter. I got depressed when EVERYONE around me got pregnant. I blocked quite a bit of my facebook feed. I got to the point that when someone got pregnant in a show I liked I had to stop watching the show cause all I would think was "why not me?"

Then someone who regularly follows my blog asked "so what are you going to do differently so the next one doesn't fail?" I'd like to think it was meant in a way where it sounds like I sabotaged myself but that is not how it came off.

It was at this time that I started drafting this post. I gave myself a few weeks to settle down emotionally (both from the negative test and from the comment). I am a member of an online infertility support group. It is a group of women who are doing more than having sex to make a baby. It includes women charting cycles, taking meds, going through IUI and IVF. There are even a few on there adopting. I asked this group of women 4 questions these are their responses copy and pasted from the board (each color is a different poster).

What do you wish people knew about infertility?

It's a disease as defined by the world health organization.

I wish people knew that it is a disease and should be treated that way...if people really realized that, I think many of the stupid comments would cease to exist.

For example if an acquaintance/friend/relative just told you that they had some sort of life-altering illness (cancer, MS, lupus, etc.), most people would respond with something like, "oh, I am SO sorry to hear that! Please let me know if there is anything you need or if you ever just need to talk. I will be praying/thinking good thoughts for you!" ....end of story. No stupid advice, no insensitive comments, just sympathy and support. For some reason though, when the disease is infertility, people suddenly become "experts". Sorry, but if all you did to get a baby was have sex, I don't need your advice. I know how to have sex, thanks.

Same goes for a loss. If you had a family member recently pass away, people say the standard, "I'm sorry! Pleased let me know if there is anything you need, etc." But when you have a miscarriage all of a sudden it's God's will?? Somehow I don't see people saying it was just part of God's plan if a family member was killed in a car accident, but it's cool to say it if your unborn baby dies?? That's F'd up!

It is a real physical problem that is really expensive to attempt to correct with no guarantees.

Infertility isn't something that happens cause someone did something wrong. In my case I protected myself and my family by going on an IUD after having M and it destroyed my tubes. Even though I know it is irrational I blame myself for what we are going through now. There are others with unexplained infertility, male factor infertility, polycystic ovary syndrome and many other things that cause their infertility its something that happens naturally and is no ones fault.

How does infertility make you feel?

Hopeless.  Angry.  Less of a woman.  Numb. Scared.  Tired.  Sad.  Bitter.  Jealous.  Like it will never end.

You are in a cycle of perpetual grief.  You live with it every day, week, month and year, the grieving process restarts every new cycle as well as moves on as more time goes by, so really you are in a dual grief cycle that doesn't end.

I feel guilty a lot. I feel guilty for not wanting to hear about other people's pregnancies or babies. I also feel like a monster in other people's eyes for feeling ambivalent or, in some cases, angry. And desolate.

SAD. Almost all the time. There are other emotions in there at different times triggered by many things. But overwhelming sadness really has to top it for me. I have tried to deal with it by finding joy in other things when I can

Anxious. Sad. Jealous. Depressed. Embarrassed.

Anyway. How it makes me feel:  Broken

That I'm broken, angry, and guilty in a range of ways.

It is like a roller coaster that makes you sick after awhile, at the beginning it is so exciting the big hill that's nice and smooth but then the loops and turns start hitting. After every one you pray it is over but you don't know when the end is.
I posted the clip last post of the couple from UP when they found out they couldn't have babies. That is how I feel. Along with everything that is posted above mostly I feel Broken

What else do you think the general public needs to know?

There is no one right way to feel and to grieve, ever.  Don't diminish what we go through, it's real, it's not something one can move one from and get over.

I wish people knew that everyone is different, and it doesn't matter if your mom, sister, and/or aunt all popped out babies left and right, because you are not them. What affects one person may not affect another the same way.  For example, some people get pregnant easily with issues like PCOS, thyroid problems, high/low body fat, missing a tube, etc. while some people won't have any luck.  So, it doesn't matter if they know somebody who knows somebody who had the same problem and got pregnant - if you're infertile, you're infertile.

If some part of your body was not working properly (functioning abnormally), you would try to fix it, right? So, why is it that when it comes to reproductive malfunctioning nobody has any sympathy? I'd just like people to stop and think about what infertility really is: a malfunctioning biologically necessary system. Fertility is not a "luxury item".

Its a disease. No amount of tips or ticks will help. Not only that but insurance does not cover treatments. I think many people assume insurance will cover it.

I agree with everything said above. 

Along with hating the "God's will," I also really hate the "it wasn't the right time."  Seriously? I waited to get married and pregnant but its not the right time for me, but would be the right time if I was 16 and on drugs?

To be more sensitive.  They didn't adopt their children, don't suggest it to me.  Don't complain about your kids or tell me about you really don't want to get pregnant/are getting an abortion.  I'm seeing a medical specialist, I don't need your advice, just your support.

And for a little fun, what is the most ridiculous advise you have been given? 

While it wasn't advice, the most infuriating thing that has been said to me was "have you ever thought that maybe God is trying to tell you something?" WTF?

I've gotten a lot of stupid advice.  Nothing too crazy, but the one that annoys me the most is, "Just stop trying.  That's when it will happen."  That one is just so cliche, and they obviously only say it because they have no clue what to say.  It isn't even logical.  To me, if you aren't preventing, you're trying.  It's impossible not to worry if you continue to not prevent and not get pregnant.  

I wish I had real zingers, but just the usual "just relax". Though after telling someone I was doing IVF, they still had the nerve to tell me it'll happen when I least expect it. Right, like after half a month if shots, egg retrieval, in-vitro fertilization, and then transfer. Right. How could I ever see that coming?

need to forget about it because thinking about it is somehow blocking it (huh?), then go to Hawaii and it will happen.    I guess it doesn't even matter what time of the month I go to Hawaii???

If dh stands me on my head after bd I will get knocked up.

The most annoying is after this past FET didn't work the comments about how many embryos we have left. "Oh its OK! You have 5 left!"

I think sometimes the stupid "advice" comes because people don't know what to say; it's not something they have been through. So I would prefer people to say something like, "I'm sorry you're going through this; I'll be thinking of you/praying for you; I hope it will happen soon; let me know if you need to talk" rather than "relax; it will happen when it's meant to/in God's time; I know it will work; have you tried xyz?"

For those of us suffering from secondary infertility, it is painfully obnoxious for us to hear that we "should be grateful for the child(ren) we have."  


  Not exactly advice, but when my cousin-in-law found out we were seeing an RE, he shared the following lovely life experience: "My ex and I were together for 5 years and trying the whole time and it didn't happen for us.Then we get divorced, we both remarry, and we're both pregnant within a year.  So these things happen for a reason."

"you already have kids, be happy for what you have, stop being so dramatic"....
And yea the "Maybe God doesn't want you to have any more kids" 
Yes, two separate actually said those things to me after a loss.
ETA: I also regularly hear people suggest getting a surrogate, as if I can just walk into a 7-11 and snag one for 11.99....

The worst saying I got was oh it only took you going on vacation... No  it took the meds prior to our vacation and just got lucky!

"At least you have 7 embryos left, you didn't want 7 babies anyway" * "Isn't IVF a bit much? It seems like a waste of money when trying is the fun part" * "Why can't you be happy with the one you have?" * "I can surrogate for you" (did you know surrogates are more expensive then IVF unless your going to sleep with my husband?) * "Maybe you aren't meant to have another" * "you can have one of mine" * "Why don't you just adopt?" (again usually costs as much as IVF and still doesn't guarantee a child) * "My (enter obscure relative here) tried for 6 years and they stopped trying and BAM pregnant"



Infertility seems to be a taboo subject to talk about. I honestly think the insensitive things we have heard come from a lack of knowledge, which is no 1 individuals fault.

The purpose of this post is to get the information out there. People who are going through this HUGE, life changing struggle want support, someone to listen to and someone who isn't going to downplay what they are going through because its "just not the right time"

Since starting this Blog in February I have had a few people email me to share their infertility struggle. As someone who has been in the beginning stages and with any luck will have her take home after IVF is done I want to throw it out there that if anyone is going through this struggle and want someone to talk shoot me an email. millers.vs.ivf@gmail.com Be it to vent, get advise or support I'll answer as soon as I can.

There is also a facebook group called the "Infertility Justice League" that has support topics as well.

Just for easier reading the above posts have quite a few acronyms

bd= baby dance (sex)
df= dear fiance
dh= dear husband
PCOS= Polycystic ovary syndrome

Feeling defeated!!

My blood work came back negative today. Hcg needs to be 6 to be considered pregnant and mine was 0.7.

I'm feeling defeated. I feel like this will never work. I feel like I can't even figure out a way to get pregnant artificially. I feel like I did something to deserve this. Mostly I feel worn out.

I feel like 1:06 though 1:46 of this video

VIDEO

I got a call from the clinic and they said to stop all meds and go in for monitoring cycle day 3 next cycle. Looks like we are rolling right into the next try.

What made my day is when my bestie gave me these



Tomorrow is another day

Cautiously optimistic!

This mornings test did not look good until the 6 minute mark. It has a line that I think is darker. Since I posted it on online threads others think its darker too. I also had it tweaked for me. Before you ask tweaking is where people manipulate the photo to see if they can make a line stand out more, pull color from or find a line on a pregnancy test. Yes it's real and yes people do it. I tried but I suck.

Here is my test for today...



^^ today's original test



^^ the tweak kricket was kind enough to do for me.

Losing Hope

Yesterdays test was super light I expected todays second line to be gone. Well it wasn't. I can't tell if the line is darker or the same as yesterdays but I had hoped it would be quite a bit darker. Im starting to feel a bit down. I hope I wake up to a solid line tomorrow!!


 

 ^^yesterdays



^^ todays test


 I swear there are actual lines I'm not crazy.

Photos

I've been testing like a crazy person. I'm waiting for the 600iu hcg shot they gave me to go away. Once a pregnancy test is negative that means shot hcg is out of my system and if it turns positive after that it means baby hcg is in my system. These are the first tests.

Here are cheats for abbreviations:

• #dp#dt= #days past #day transfer.... Mine will always be 5dt cause the embryo was 5 days old as opposed to a 3dt which is 3 days old. They generally do 3 or 5 day transfers.

• FMU= first morning urine

• POASA= pee on a stick-aholic

 

^^ Saturday when I got home

 

^^ Sunday morning






^^ This morning. As you can see the line is quite a bit lighter. It's what we POASA's call a squinter.

I really hope these lines get darker again over the next few days. Ill post when I have more.
Here's more just for fun!!!



^^ Fairy garden

 

^^ Flowers M picked out while I was stuck in the airport.

Finally home

The embryo is hopefully settling in to its home for the next 9 months and after a trip form hell I'm finally home in Minnesota.

I had my transfer yesterday at 1:30. They decided that it wold be safer if they only transferred one embryo because of my history of ectopic. It was fully hatched and I was told if it is going to stick it will within 24 hours. Being who I am I turned to Dr. Google and can't seem to find answers on why my embryo isn't circular, if its a good chance of success cause it is fully hatched and if the embryo can be damaged during transfer because it doesn't have a shell. If any of you know answers to these feel free to answer them!!

I left the clinic at 2 and due to traffic it took 2 hours to get to the airport. Upon arriving I found out my flight was delayed and delayed again, and delayed again and then cancelled cause I would miss my connection. I got to spend the night in the airport. Luckily Margie (sister) worked over nights and kept checking to see if I was alive.

The flights went well but the captain kept saying "our trip to Chicago..." I honestly thought I would never get home. Landed a 1 got home at 3:45 and napped until 7. M said she can only hug me light cause I have a growing baby even though she knows it may not stick. She also asked when I talked to her last night if I know if it is a brother or sister. Told her that will be a while before we know that.

After my transfer yesterday I was given a hcg shot so now I'm testing it out. Meaning I'm taking pregnancy test like they are going out of style once they are negative ill know the shot is out of my system and if I get a positive after a negative ill know its the real deal! My official test is Friday.

The test below is today test it is a bit of a squinter.

The fully hatched embryo is pictured below as well!

This will be the last one I post on Facebook. I will continue to update here you will just have to check back to know the results...

Philly, Boston, NY, oh my!!

Here was my schedule today...

Up at 4am... Why you ask? Eh why not?
Tossed and turned for an hour trying to go back to sleep
Spent a half hour reading fb and my support boards
5:30 up for the day
6 let jack out
6:10 in car on road
6:15 on my way back home, forgot wallet
6:21 on road again
6:23 on my way back home again, forgot ring
6:26 on the road
8:30 waiting at gate
11am flight takes off to Philadelphia
(The rest is in eastern time)
2:34pm plane lands find out instead of Minneapolis to Philly to NY I'm taking a detour to Boston, eat Philly cheesesteak... not so great
4:15 plane takes off from Boston
6:00 find out JFK is flooded and laguardia only has one runway open.
7:00 announcement that 7:00 flight is delayed to 7:30
7:35 announcement that flight is delayed to 8
8:00 board plane
8:15 announcement we are on hold until 9:15
10pm finally in NYC
10:43 give myself a shot in the ass... That's talent!
11:10 time for shower.... No hot water...
11:16 tried to watch tv while waiting for engineer... See photos below for how that went.

I was supposed to be here at 4:30 long day... BUT

Tomorrow, tomorrow, my transfers tomorrow and betas just a week away.....

Really hope tomorrow goes better